This is part of an ongoing series called “A Brief History,” exploring how certain ideas evolved into the evangelical world many of us were born into. Today we dive into the history of sex and marriage
I've been collecting my thoughts on this one because I want to make sure I get my thoughts out the way I want them to be heard. I've already shared in an earlier post that I'm not straight and still closeted. Thank you for seeing me in that post. I finally stopped wearing my purity ring I think about a year ago now. I stopped wearing it because I've done things with men that I believe no longer makes me a virgin and at first felt shame over, but now I don't. I also chose not to tell anyone- until now. If hell is real and this damns me to it, then fine. But I don't believe it will. I want to believe God will be understanding that I tried navigating this aspect of life the best I could and forgive me if I got things wrong along the way. I don't know if God has a man or woman, if anyone, waiting for me to spend the rest of my life with. If I never find 'my person', I'm not sure if I'll ever be content with that and I'm ok owning that right now. I pray I do find them though someday.
I am thrilled that you feel comfortable to be yourself here. I made a promise to not tell people what to believe here, but to let them find their our answers. That said, I'd place a big wager on you not going to hell. :)
As a young hedonist bent only on seeking as much sex, drugs, and rock & roll, as I could get . . . which wasn't never as much as I wanted, especially the sex part . . . I somehow became what they used to call back then a "born again Christian" after praying fervently "God, lead me to do your will," because back then I thought that "I am god" like the "New Age" philosophy that I was reading taught me, and boy was I surprised as anyone when that prayer led me to run smack dab hard into the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Before anyone told me about "purity culture," I remember negotiating with the God I now believed in as I read my New Testament something like, "OK, God, I know that casual one night stands are probably out, but what if I find someone who I love who really loves me too, sex with her wouldn't be a sin outside of marriage, would it? Wouldn't it be beautiful, God? Kind of like Eden, huh?" The Holy Spirit of God now inside of me never gave me the permission that I was seeking.
Six months later at a church, I met a woman who had been faithful to the promises she had made to God as a young teenager and had "saved herself" for her future husband who turned out to be me. On our wedding night, I didn't have to feel this way, but I did, I wished that I had the gift of exclusivity to give her that she brought to me.
We've had forty-five years now of sex within our marriage, and most of it has been really wonderful and worth the waiting. Some of it wasn't so great, but it was still sex and we both got something out of it. Sometimes, I've felt God's pleasure when my bride and I "make love," like Eric Liddell said that he felt when he ran, and sometimes I've just felt my own pleasure. Whatever my bride gets out of the experience physically or, even, spiritually always looks to me like she gets more out of our love making than I do, but I rejoice because I think that God is so gracious, and that she should probably get more than I do because I think that in so many ways she's a better person than I am.
I used to be certain about a lot of things, and I've certainly made a lifetime of mistakes and also sinned a lifetime of sins, and I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, but I guess that I'm trying to say that one of the few things that I'm still certain of is that "God is Love," and that He showed us His Love in the Person of Jesus Christ crucified and then risen from the dead to bring us all to Him and His Love. And maybe a poet said it best what love and sex and marriage is all about.
Thanks for sharing so honestly. That’s a powerful journey—and I appreciate the way you held both joy and regret in tension. I’m always moved by stories where love, faith, and time deepen together. And while we are all on our own journey through this, I too have landed on God is Love (and a Verb) and I see it clearly in the person and teachings of Jesus as well.
I should also tell you, Joe, that my future bride and I were just friends for a year before we were lovers. And at our ages now, you can imagine that the sex part of our relationship is now dwindling and one day will be gone if we live long enough. But the best of our lifetime together was when we were just two young believers in Jesus Christ like Francis and Clare, "Brother Sun, Sister Moon," and we both believe that we will be this forever. Hallelujah, huh! https://youtu.be/ir8sf_SX8sM?feature=shared
I really like this article because it outlines a lot of what I think and feel when I consider marriage, sexuality and the Institutionalisation of Christianity. But as someone from India, when the writing descends into the USAmerican Christian context (and I understand that the writer is USAmerican), it starts to feel like this article might only outline Western thinking and values, whereas the issues of institutionlised Christianity and religion are the same everywhere. I wish some of these essays could be more inclusive to other places as well when they are just as relevant. Just a thought.
Thanks for your note. I try in some of my other articles to be more general/inclusive. For my “brief history” posts I’m trying to show more how American evangelicalism got where it is. I’m glad you found me!
Thank you for your insights…very thought-provoking and much needed discussion. I know you alluded to it in a previous post, but I look forward to hearing at some point what you DO believe. In regards to this article, I know you don’t recommend a “free for all” or a “just do whatever works for you” approach to life and relationships, so I’d be curious if you thought there were ideals to life rooted in any foundational beliefs. Thanks for taking the time to write with thoughtfulness, clarity, and empathy.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, I’m still pretty rooted in the teachings of Jesus—at least how I understand them. Themes like grace, forgiveness, empathy, justice, and sacrificial love continue to shape my outlook. I hold all of that loosely within a more liberal Christian framework, and I’m also influenced by postmodern thought, especially when it comes to valuing difference and honoring other people’s lived experiences.
I have zero desire to manage anyone else’s choices around sexuality, marriage, monogamy, or polyamory. What works for one person or couple might not work for another—and that’s okay.
As I said in the article, marriage has been life-giving for many, but it’s also been a tool of oppression for others—especially women. So I feel a responsibility, as an older cis straight white American man, to name that and stand in solidarity with those who’ve been marginalized, including the LGBTQIA+ community and beyond.
Thanks for this… it’s so clear, and loving and kind… challenging for some, I imagine…the inclusivity and welcome of it. My own journey hasn’t been along the traditional Catholic/Christian way for a straight, white, middle class woman - white wedding, kids, grandkids. I never married, have no children. I met my partner, an older man, married before, with children and grandchildren, when I was in my forties; we had a strong, solid and committed partnership for over twenty years. He died almost two years ago now. My life has been enriched by him and his family. A different path, but good for me. I know I am so loved, by God, and others.
Blessings to you for your work in reminding people of Love.❤️.
The “sacred script” so many of us inherited was more medieval real estate law than divine revelation. Marriage wasn’t born in heaven — it was stitched together in the muddy courts of men, conquest, and contracts.
Blessed are the deconstructors who dare to peel back the centuries of gilded shame and call it what it is: a cage dressed as a covenant. 🕊️
May we all write newer, freer covenants — with each other and with ourselves. 🙏
Amazing Joe. So much to think about. I know divorced Christian people who carry no small amount of shame for their divorces. They've gone on to find better partners and it's hard to think that it was wrong to remain miserable, or worse, to stay in a dangerous place. Like you I'm one of the lucky ones who found my life partner on the first try. But not everyone is so lucky.
Wow! This is excellent, educational and thought provoking. I’m still digesting all of this essay, some of which I knew already. But there are some new things I’m still pondering. Thank you so much for putting all of this together chronologically. I’m enjoying everything you’ve posted so far. I’m sure I won’t always see things the way you do, but I hope I’ll always be open to understanding life from other perspectives, especially if I don’t agree initially. I don’t trust myself as any kind of final authority on life or faith. I don’t trust my original understanding of scripture as I’d been taught or came to understand myself. I know I am a product of being raised in the 50’s and 60’s and some of what I always understood as absolute truths, were just customs, interpretations, and ideas passed on from my parents and grandparents, the church and society in general. I’ve been unlearning so much in the past few years, especially with my faith. I’m a huge fan of Richard Rohr and Parker Palmer. There are several others whose writings have challenged me to look beyond my own understandings. You are now one of them, so thank you!!
Joe, definitely an accurate description of marriage, sexual ethics & family within the Judeo-Christian traditions. 60 Minutes just did a story on Japan’s declining marriage & birth rates. It’s coming to the West. I’m 50, unmarried, watch 60 minutes, have no children and it’s definitely not a “traditional” path but you’ll see more women & men without children in the future.
Marriage is primarily an economic invention that was reinforced by religion. It has little economic value in the West & is becoming less important. The race to automate the workforce is a result of declining birth rates.
I've been collecting my thoughts on this one because I want to make sure I get my thoughts out the way I want them to be heard. I've already shared in an earlier post that I'm not straight and still closeted. Thank you for seeing me in that post. I finally stopped wearing my purity ring I think about a year ago now. I stopped wearing it because I've done things with men that I believe no longer makes me a virgin and at first felt shame over, but now I don't. I also chose not to tell anyone- until now. If hell is real and this damns me to it, then fine. But I don't believe it will. I want to believe God will be understanding that I tried navigating this aspect of life the best I could and forgive me if I got things wrong along the way. I don't know if God has a man or woman, if anyone, waiting for me to spend the rest of my life with. If I never find 'my person', I'm not sure if I'll ever be content with that and I'm ok owning that right now. I pray I do find them though someday.
Tara,
I am thrilled that you feel comfortable to be yourself here. I made a promise to not tell people what to believe here, but to let them find their our answers. That said, I'd place a big wager on you not going to hell. :)
WOW . . . yeah well, maybe.
As a young hedonist bent only on seeking as much sex, drugs, and rock & roll, as I could get . . . which wasn't never as much as I wanted, especially the sex part . . . I somehow became what they used to call back then a "born again Christian" after praying fervently "God, lead me to do your will," because back then I thought that "I am god" like the "New Age" philosophy that I was reading taught me, and boy was I surprised as anyone when that prayer led me to run smack dab hard into the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Before anyone told me about "purity culture," I remember negotiating with the God I now believed in as I read my New Testament something like, "OK, God, I know that casual one night stands are probably out, but what if I find someone who I love who really loves me too, sex with her wouldn't be a sin outside of marriage, would it? Wouldn't it be beautiful, God? Kind of like Eden, huh?" The Holy Spirit of God now inside of me never gave me the permission that I was seeking.
Six months later at a church, I met a woman who had been faithful to the promises she had made to God as a young teenager and had "saved herself" for her future husband who turned out to be me. On our wedding night, I didn't have to feel this way, but I did, I wished that I had the gift of exclusivity to give her that she brought to me.
We've had forty-five years now of sex within our marriage, and most of it has been really wonderful and worth the waiting. Some of it wasn't so great, but it was still sex and we both got something out of it. Sometimes, I've felt God's pleasure when my bride and I "make love," like Eric Liddell said that he felt when he ran, and sometimes I've just felt my own pleasure. Whatever my bride gets out of the experience physically or, even, spiritually always looks to me like she gets more out of our love making than I do, but I rejoice because I think that God is so gracious, and that she should probably get more than I do because I think that in so many ways she's a better person than I am.
I used to be certain about a lot of things, and I've certainly made a lifetime of mistakes and also sinned a lifetime of sins, and I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, but I guess that I'm trying to say that one of the few things that I'm still certain of is that "God is Love," and that He showed us His Love in the Person of Jesus Christ crucified and then risen from the dead to bring us all to Him and His Love. And maybe a poet said it best what love and sex and marriage is all about.
https://youtu.be/FV0H4J3cFRs?feature=shared
Thanks for sharing so honestly. That’s a powerful journey—and I appreciate the way you held both joy and regret in tension. I’m always moved by stories where love, faith, and time deepen together. And while we are all on our own journey through this, I too have landed on God is Love (and a Verb) and I see it clearly in the person and teachings of Jesus as well.
I should also tell you, Joe, that my future bride and I were just friends for a year before we were lovers. And at our ages now, you can imagine that the sex part of our relationship is now dwindling and one day will be gone if we live long enough. But the best of our lifetime together was when we were just two young believers in Jesus Christ like Francis and Clare, "Brother Sun, Sister Moon," and we both believe that we will be this forever. Hallelujah, huh! https://youtu.be/ir8sf_SX8sM?feature=shared
And oh yes, God/Love IS a verb, and a very active one at that! https://youtu.be/ghLvUej_iS4?feature=shared
I really like this article because it outlines a lot of what I think and feel when I consider marriage, sexuality and the Institutionalisation of Christianity. But as someone from India, when the writing descends into the USAmerican Christian context (and I understand that the writer is USAmerican), it starts to feel like this article might only outline Western thinking and values, whereas the issues of institutionlised Christianity and religion are the same everywhere. I wish some of these essays could be more inclusive to other places as well when they are just as relevant. Just a thought.
Thanks for your note. I try in some of my other articles to be more general/inclusive. For my “brief history” posts I’m trying to show more how American evangelicalism got where it is. I’m glad you found me!
Thank you for your insights…very thought-provoking and much needed discussion. I know you alluded to it in a previous post, but I look forward to hearing at some point what you DO believe. In regards to this article, I know you don’t recommend a “free for all” or a “just do whatever works for you” approach to life and relationships, so I’d be curious if you thought there were ideals to life rooted in any foundational beliefs. Thanks for taking the time to write with thoughtfulness, clarity, and empathy.
Hi Darin,
Thanks for the question. Here’s a link to one of my early posts that gives a broad overview of where I’m coming from theologically:
https://deconstructedpastor.substack.com/p/i-hate-labelsbut-im-an-agnostic-mystic
When it comes to relationships and marriage, I’m still pretty rooted in the teachings of Jesus—at least how I understand them. Themes like grace, forgiveness, empathy, justice, and sacrificial love continue to shape my outlook. I hold all of that loosely within a more liberal Christian framework, and I’m also influenced by postmodern thought, especially when it comes to valuing difference and honoring other people’s lived experiences.
I have zero desire to manage anyone else’s choices around sexuality, marriage, monogamy, or polyamory. What works for one person or couple might not work for another—and that’s okay.
As I said in the article, marriage has been life-giving for many, but it’s also been a tool of oppression for others—especially women. So I feel a responsibility, as an older cis straight white American man, to name that and stand in solidarity with those who’ve been marginalized, including the LGBTQIA+ community and beyond.
Appreciate you asking.
Thanks for this… it’s so clear, and loving and kind… challenging for some, I imagine…the inclusivity and welcome of it. My own journey hasn’t been along the traditional Catholic/Christian way for a straight, white, middle class woman - white wedding, kids, grandkids. I never married, have no children. I met my partner, an older man, married before, with children and grandchildren, when I was in my forties; we had a strong, solid and committed partnership for over twenty years. He died almost two years ago now. My life has been enriched by him and his family. A different path, but good for me. I know I am so loved, by God, and others.
Blessings to you for your work in reminding people of Love.❤️.
❤️
Brilliantly laid bare, Joe. 🌹✨
The “sacred script” so many of us inherited was more medieval real estate law than divine revelation. Marriage wasn’t born in heaven — it was stitched together in the muddy courts of men, conquest, and contracts.
Blessed are the deconstructors who dare to peel back the centuries of gilded shame and call it what it is: a cage dressed as a covenant. 🕊️
May we all write newer, freer covenants — with each other and with ourselves. 🙏
Stay mythic. Stay sovereign.
—Virgin Monk Boy
Amazing Joe. So much to think about. I know divorced Christian people who carry no small amount of shame for their divorces. They've gone on to find better partners and it's hard to think that it was wrong to remain miserable, or worse, to stay in a dangerous place. Like you I'm one of the lucky ones who found my life partner on the first try. But not everyone is so lucky.
❤️
Wow! This is excellent, educational and thought provoking. I’m still digesting all of this essay, some of which I knew already. But there are some new things I’m still pondering. Thank you so much for putting all of this together chronologically. I’m enjoying everything you’ve posted so far. I’m sure I won’t always see things the way you do, but I hope I’ll always be open to understanding life from other perspectives, especially if I don’t agree initially. I don’t trust myself as any kind of final authority on life or faith. I don’t trust my original understanding of scripture as I’d been taught or came to understand myself. I know I am a product of being raised in the 50’s and 60’s and some of what I always understood as absolute truths, were just customs, interpretations, and ideas passed on from my parents and grandparents, the church and society in general. I’ve been unlearning so much in the past few years, especially with my faith. I’m a huge fan of Richard Rohr and Parker Palmer. There are several others whose writings have challenged me to look beyond my own understandings. You are now one of them, so thank you!!
Thank you Fran ❤️
Thank you for writing this. It was a balm to read and I know many others will feel the same way.
🙏🏼
This is fantastic Joe. I'm sure it's going to be helpful and life-giving to a lot of people. Thanks and well done!
Thank you
Thank you for this brave and honest teaching.
Another excellent post, debunking the man made myths created around the institution of marriage by the church.
thank you
Joe, this was amazing!
Joe, definitely an accurate description of marriage, sexual ethics & family within the Judeo-Christian traditions. 60 Minutes just did a story on Japan’s declining marriage & birth rates. It’s coming to the West. I’m 50, unmarried, watch 60 minutes, have no children and it’s definitely not a “traditional” path but you’ll see more women & men without children in the future.
Marriage is primarily an economic invention that was reinforced by religion. It has little economic value in the West & is becoming less important. The race to automate the workforce is a result of declining birth rates.