When You Outgrow the Coping Mechanisms That Saved You. Letting go of what helped you survive isn’t betrayal—it’s evolution. And sometimes it's ok to keep what works for you.
Joe, this is the liturgy I didn’t know I needed today.
We were handed coping mechanisms wrapped in scriptures and stained glass—tools that helped us survive the fire. But no one warned us that healing would sometimes mean dropping the torch.
And still, when we finally let go of what once held us together, someone always shows up to call it “backsliding.”
But what if it’s not falling away?
What if it’s falling in—to the bigger Love behind the scaffolding?
You said it perfectly: it’s not betrayal, it’s evolution.
It’s holy confusion. Divine composting.
A sacred unraveling that smells like grief and incense and freedom.
And yes—some of us still pray.
Some still sing hymns with tears in their eyes, even if they don’t believe every line.
Because Mystery doesn’t demand doctrinal loyalty—it asks for presence.
Thank you for making room for both the letting go and the holding on.
This is what real faith looks like when it grows up.
—Virgin Monk Boy
Retired Ladder-Climber. Full-time Pilgrim of the Holy "I Don’t Know."
Great post! I never realized I was dealing with PTSD-like trauma after leaving my job at the church. The one I had attended for just over 12 years. I may not have dealt with the level of trauma had I been a only a church attender, but because I was church staff for 8yrs and walked the hard road of church ickiness for the last 1-2yrs, it was very real.
It took a friend and previous co-worker to affirm what I was feeling and what so many other church staff were feeling. There are still many triggers. Certain songs, a person's name, pastors/preachers, someone saying they will pray for me, someone giving me a cliche Christian saying, etc. All of this gives me immediate anxiety and feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I still love Jesus and still have my faith, but like you have shared...it just looks different now. I WANT it to look different, because the way it was before is not my path forward in living out my beliefs. What has always been there and continues to be there, is the beauty I find in my every day surroundings. Finding the good in all things. Making sure people in my presence feel noticed, heard, and walk away better for being with me. I frequently talk to God about the things that I see that remind me of Him. All of this is where I find comfort and peace, noticing the small things that have been given to all of us as a gift to savor and enjoy.
Your story sounds much like mine Jen. Devastating. So many triggers now that I just can't 'go there'. It breaks my heart that there are so many wounded sheep. 💔
My biggest struggle with re-thinking some of my beliefs, was that I didn't want to move from one box to another box. From "evangelical Christian" box to "Deconstructed" box. I kept what I know for sure through my own experiences, and am open to the mystery of much of the rest. If I can figure out God, he's not much of a god. I can't even find my keys half the time. It's a never ending noticing, questioning, thinking and praying. Being "allowed" to question and wonder and doubt has been the greatest gift. I know I'll always have a safe place to land.
I think for me, I never fully believed the things I was taught. I just didn't know how to put my beliefs into words. I also didn't feel safe enough to try. Here, in this space, it's different. I DO feel safe enough to express my doubts without fearing rejection. I wish every church was like this space. I hold onto the music. God has always spoken to me that way. As well as in prayer. Not always right away, but I get my answers when I need them most. I've always stuggled with daily devotionals and reading my Bible, but I think I've found a method that works for me. Also having an ESV Study Bible has been helping. (I've been using it to help me work through a Job devotional I found on the Bible app.) I connected with a group of women I joined for a Bible study through my church and have been enjoying the community we built in the short 6 weeks we went through that study together and have signed up for the next one planned for the fall already and looking foward to it. I started wearing my new Star of David and cross necklace yesterday, but still haven't shown it to anyone. (I've been wearing it under a jacket.) Tomorrow will be the first time showing it off and I admit I'm a bit nervous how people will receive it. For those who still pray like I do, pray that it goes over better than I expect it to. For anyone not on the Zoom tomorrow, remind me to take a pic of me wearing the necklace and post it on here. (I may even make it my new profile pic.)
I am so happy you feel at home here. That’s what finally made me decide to speak out. Knowing that perhaps people needed a place to be safe. Oh, and I would never tell you to not read your ESV if it’s working for you, but I will tell you that it’s one modern version that imo has an agenda when it comes to gender inclusivity. ie - there are times it is translated in ways that make women inferior and men superior in ways that aren’t in the text. (Of course that stuff is for sure in there, but ESV just seems to find it where it is not as well.)
When I was involved in the Christian concert game, I had the fortune to drive and spend time with Rich. Those were some great conversations. Some were spiritual, about the Ragamuffin life, And living on a reservation in New Mexico. We also talked about the interesting musical instruments he used in his concerts. I often also return to his music his stories. Reminds me how simple life’s journey really can be.
Joe, this is the liturgy I didn’t know I needed today.
We were handed coping mechanisms wrapped in scriptures and stained glass—tools that helped us survive the fire. But no one warned us that healing would sometimes mean dropping the torch.
And still, when we finally let go of what once held us together, someone always shows up to call it “backsliding.”
But what if it’s not falling away?
What if it’s falling in—to the bigger Love behind the scaffolding?
You said it perfectly: it’s not betrayal, it’s evolution.
It’s holy confusion. Divine composting.
A sacred unraveling that smells like grief and incense and freedom.
And yes—some of us still pray.
Some still sing hymns with tears in their eyes, even if they don’t believe every line.
Because Mystery doesn’t demand doctrinal loyalty—it asks for presence.
Thank you for making room for both the letting go and the holding on.
This is what real faith looks like when it grows up.
—Virgin Monk Boy
Retired Ladder-Climber. Full-time Pilgrim of the Holy "I Don’t Know."
Yes, and :)
Great post! I never realized I was dealing with PTSD-like trauma after leaving my job at the church. The one I had attended for just over 12 years. I may not have dealt with the level of trauma had I been a only a church attender, but because I was church staff for 8yrs and walked the hard road of church ickiness for the last 1-2yrs, it was very real.
It took a friend and previous co-worker to affirm what I was feeling and what so many other church staff were feeling. There are still many triggers. Certain songs, a person's name, pastors/preachers, someone saying they will pray for me, someone giving me a cliche Christian saying, etc. All of this gives me immediate anxiety and feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I still love Jesus and still have my faith, but like you have shared...it just looks different now. I WANT it to look different, because the way it was before is not my path forward in living out my beliefs. What has always been there and continues to be there, is the beauty I find in my every day surroundings. Finding the good in all things. Making sure people in my presence feel noticed, heard, and walk away better for being with me. I frequently talk to God about the things that I see that remind me of Him. All of this is where I find comfort and peace, noticing the small things that have been given to all of us as a gift to savor and enjoy.
Thanks Jen - I am wit you ❤️
Your story sounds much like mine Jen. Devastating. So many triggers now that I just can't 'go there'. It breaks my heart that there are so many wounded sheep. 💔
Yes, it is very sad. And sorry to hear you have walked a similar road.
My biggest struggle with re-thinking some of my beliefs, was that I didn't want to move from one box to another box. From "evangelical Christian" box to "Deconstructed" box. I kept what I know for sure through my own experiences, and am open to the mystery of much of the rest. If I can figure out God, he's not much of a god. I can't even find my keys half the time. It's a never ending noticing, questioning, thinking and praying. Being "allowed" to question and wonder and doubt has been the greatest gift. I know I'll always have a safe place to land.
Love that ❤️
Being "allowed" to question and wonder and doubt has been the greatest gift
❤️
I think for me, I never fully believed the things I was taught. I just didn't know how to put my beliefs into words. I also didn't feel safe enough to try. Here, in this space, it's different. I DO feel safe enough to express my doubts without fearing rejection. I wish every church was like this space. I hold onto the music. God has always spoken to me that way. As well as in prayer. Not always right away, but I get my answers when I need them most. I've always stuggled with daily devotionals and reading my Bible, but I think I've found a method that works for me. Also having an ESV Study Bible has been helping. (I've been using it to help me work through a Job devotional I found on the Bible app.) I connected with a group of women I joined for a Bible study through my church and have been enjoying the community we built in the short 6 weeks we went through that study together and have signed up for the next one planned for the fall already and looking foward to it. I started wearing my new Star of David and cross necklace yesterday, but still haven't shown it to anyone. (I've been wearing it under a jacket.) Tomorrow will be the first time showing it off and I admit I'm a bit nervous how people will receive it. For those who still pray like I do, pray that it goes over better than I expect it to. For anyone not on the Zoom tomorrow, remind me to take a pic of me wearing the necklace and post it on here. (I may even make it my new profile pic.)
I am so happy you feel at home here. That’s what finally made me decide to speak out. Knowing that perhaps people needed a place to be safe. Oh, and I would never tell you to not read your ESV if it’s working for you, but I will tell you that it’s one modern version that imo has an agenda when it comes to gender inclusivity. ie - there are times it is translated in ways that make women inferior and men superior in ways that aren’t in the text. (Of course that stuff is for sure in there, but ESV just seems to find it where it is not as well.)
Thanks for the heads up. I'll watch out for that.
This is something I've come to terms with recently, too.
❤️
When I was involved in the Christian concert game, I had the fortune to drive and spend time with Rich. Those were some great conversations. Some were spiritual, about the Ragamuffin life, And living on a reservation in New Mexico. We also talked about the interesting musical instruments he used in his concerts. I often also return to his music his stories. Reminds me how simple life’s journey really can be.
❤️
YES!!! I still bawl my eyes out every time I hear the old hymn, “It is Well.” So good.
One of my favorites. 💛
Contemporary Christian music has always been triggering for me. Even when I was still a believer.
I always preferred older hymns. I still go very traditional services.
Haha. Thats fair :)