I grew up reading apologetics books that promised certainty. But deep down, I always knew something didn’t add up. This is the story of how I preached a sermon to convince myself and failed.
This hit harder than any altar call I ever answered. I remember clutching Strobel’s Case for Christ like it was a spiritual seatbelt—hoping it would keep me from crashing into doubt. But all it did was tighten the tension between what I was told to believe and what I quietly suspected. Thank you for naming the quiet performance so many of us gave—not to deceive others, but to keep ourselves from falling apart. There's a strange kind of grace in admitting the sermon was for us, not them. That might be the start of real faith. Or at least, honest faith.
I was a non-believer until the age of 21. Raised in secular France. I read “Evidence that Demands a Verdict” and it left me with more doubts than I had before. I came to faith by reading the gospels.
I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity." It's has been described as a book of Christian Apologetics, but is more his personal wrestling with Truth. I'm coming to believe Truth doesn't need to be defended, just sought for with open eyes and an open heart. Or described as another facet of Love.
C.S. Lewis concluded that Jesus didn't necessarily fulfil every Jewish prophesy of a redeemer, he didn't. Swords are still swords and not ploughshares. But he did fulfill every pagan prophesy of a redeemer. The dying and rising god was written into our spiritual DNA from pre-historic times, and Jesus gave it a monumental personality with an address, a date and a backstory. Animal and human sacrifice died out all over the world after the Jesus event. He brought a hungry and expectant world to Israel to learn Torah at the feet of Rabbi Jesus. Who knew the story of a dying rabbi would change the world? Isaiah.
I may have come to all this by a different route (English, child of an Anglican Priest, 1 year in a Christian community, 19 years leading worship in Church of England Schools, degree in Applied Theology) and I am unfamiliar with the books mentioned but the whole principle of needing to convince myself of the historical basis of Christianity was true for me. I came to the conclusion about 20 years ago (I'm in my seventh decade) that the Bible was not a consistent historical record and that what we read about Jesus in the gospels is a bit like the edited highlights but the person seems to shine through, someone who is clear about the Kingdom of God and how we can achieve it by dedicating our lives to loving other people (sounds simple but bloody hard in practice). And strangely, reading books such as Heresy by Catherine Nixey which put a huge historical context for early Christianity (it doesn't come out well) I find strengthens my appreciation for the essence of Jesus' message despite the historical 'noise'.
After reading this piece I feel again like I just landed at home. You put words to my inner voice that has been speaking truth to me since I was a child. But the onslaught of the defined truth from evangelicals I grew up with kept smashing my voice and I couldn't find anything to stop it. I was able to find a couple kindred spirits over the years to get through rough patches but your story is somewhat parallel to what I have known and it is so refreshing. It has brought me to tears.
"I convinced myself I’d been convinced" for over 35 years. It's harder when you are surrounded (quite literally) by a community of people who are saturated in their convictions and don't understand the need for anything else. They are welcome to them, but now comes the search for the core that might feel real, not the fluff it is packed in -- and there is so much fluff. I'm starting with what we have of the humble man, Yeshua ("Jesus" has so many trite associations). The community you have started here is helpful, not in promoting a viewpoint but of legitimizing a personal search. And the honesty in a personal search is a much-needed breath of fresh air over the prepackaged, predigested official canon of beliefs.
Your explanation of your thought-full journey describes why evangelicals need to reimagine. And many are…possibly a movement prompted by the Holy Spirit?
Yeah, even when I was far more evangelical (read: TRYING to be evangelical) I was unimpressed with "Evidence that Demands a Verdict." I tried reading it once, but it struck me as a grab-bag of arguments and propositions that were all smushed together. If I'm being cynical, it seemed like more of a book for Christians to not so much actually read and be able to point to and say: "Look! There is a ton of evidence! I don't have to think any more!"
The problem -- for me, at least -- was that periodically I would find an argument or evidence that I thought was convincing and it would bring me some peace (i.e., less doubt). But then my desire for intellectual honesty would kick in and I would start doing more digging; then discover that there were tons of counter-arguments that were just as convicing (or more so). Trying to rely on intellectual reason and evidence just put me into a repeated 'boom and bust" cycle that wore me out.
Read it in Bible college when the book was first published in 1972. You have to admit that the approach is healthier than that of our parents' "You ask me how I say he lives? He LIVES within my heart." ( Just sing it louder Mom, that makes it more true. LOL). But according to whomever wrote the Book of Hebrews, we live by faith and Bible archaeology and stuff just lends some minor support.
Nailed it! I had McDowell's books and Strobel's. I loved listening to apologists like Ravi. And I had no idea that I was doing it for myself. Most of my study was to confirm or bolster what I believed. I'd probably still be there but for my love of science and that I was no longer able to accept the cognitive dissonance that came along with that love. Scripture said one thing (or so I was told) and science said another, and both couldn't be true. Once I rejected that, all my finely honed arguments began to collapse.
I find Dale Allison is very open handed with these issues. I appreciate his honesty about the holes in the evidence and the way that the information can be fairly interpreted in a variety of ways.
Very good article! As well crafted as I think some apologetic arguments are, I think they all, ultimately, fail because one cannot reason oneself into the Kingdom. Truth is not the result of human reason…Truth is a Person. Truth is someone you either know or you don’t. You’re obviously sincere in your desire to know the Truth, and I admire that. Hats off to you for having the courage to reject Christianity in your quest for the Truth.
I’m 58 yrs old and my journey has been very similar to yours.
I went to Bible school with the intention of entering full time ministry before God rescued me.
I spent 25 years in the wilderness before I finally surrendered to the Truth. Too much to share in a comment post, but suffice to say I finally have the relationship with God that I always heard about yearned for but couldn’t find or figure out. I believe you will someday too.
I’m sure we do have differences. There’s strength in that. One of the problems with Industrial Christianity is standardization.
Like McDonalds…billions and billions served, but with what?
Processed food, loaded with toxins?
I try to avoid using the connotation words of Christianity, Inc, but I believe a revival is bubbling, and we’ll see a return to sustainable, regenerative and organic practices. That’s my hope, at the very least
This hit harder than any altar call I ever answered. I remember clutching Strobel’s Case for Christ like it was a spiritual seatbelt—hoping it would keep me from crashing into doubt. But all it did was tighten the tension between what I was told to believe and what I quietly suspected. Thank you for naming the quiet performance so many of us gave—not to deceive others, but to keep ourselves from falling apart. There's a strange kind of grace in admitting the sermon was for us, not them. That might be the start of real faith. Or at least, honest faith.
Thank you, my friend. Many of us were living the same story on different paths here.
I was a non-believer until the age of 21. Raised in secular France. I read “Evidence that Demands a Verdict” and it left me with more doubts than I had before. I came to faith by reading the gospels.
The gospels are sneaky like that.
I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity." It's has been described as a book of Christian Apologetics, but is more his personal wrestling with Truth. I'm coming to believe Truth doesn't need to be defended, just sought for with open eyes and an open heart. Or described as another facet of Love.
Love that, Marty
C.S. Lewis concluded that Jesus didn't necessarily fulfil every Jewish prophesy of a redeemer, he didn't. Swords are still swords and not ploughshares. But he did fulfill every pagan prophesy of a redeemer. The dying and rising god was written into our spiritual DNA from pre-historic times, and Jesus gave it a monumental personality with an address, a date and a backstory. Animal and human sacrifice died out all over the world after the Jesus event. He brought a hungry and expectant world to Israel to learn Torah at the feet of Rabbi Jesus. Who knew the story of a dying rabbi would change the world? Isaiah.
I may have come to all this by a different route (English, child of an Anglican Priest, 1 year in a Christian community, 19 years leading worship in Church of England Schools, degree in Applied Theology) and I am unfamiliar with the books mentioned but the whole principle of needing to convince myself of the historical basis of Christianity was true for me. I came to the conclusion about 20 years ago (I'm in my seventh decade) that the Bible was not a consistent historical record and that what we read about Jesus in the gospels is a bit like the edited highlights but the person seems to shine through, someone who is clear about the Kingdom of God and how we can achieve it by dedicating our lives to loving other people (sounds simple but bloody hard in practice). And strangely, reading books such as Heresy by Catherine Nixey which put a huge historical context for early Christianity (it doesn't come out well) I find strengthens my appreciation for the essence of Jesus' message despite the historical 'noise'.
Steve, I love having your perspective here! thank you
After reading this piece I feel again like I just landed at home. You put words to my inner voice that has been speaking truth to me since I was a child. But the onslaught of the defined truth from evangelicals I grew up with kept smashing my voice and I couldn't find anything to stop it. I was able to find a couple kindred spirits over the years to get through rough patches but your story is somewhat parallel to what I have known and it is so refreshing. It has brought me to tears.
Welcome home, Sharon! I am glad you're here.
"I convinced myself I’d been convinced" for over 35 years. It's harder when you are surrounded (quite literally) by a community of people who are saturated in their convictions and don't understand the need for anything else. They are welcome to them, but now comes the search for the core that might feel real, not the fluff it is packed in -- and there is so much fluff. I'm starting with what we have of the humble man, Yeshua ("Jesus" has so many trite associations). The community you have started here is helpful, not in promoting a viewpoint but of legitimizing a personal search. And the honesty in a personal search is a much-needed breath of fresh air over the prepackaged, predigested official canon of beliefs.
I am glad you're here to share your journey with us!
Your explanation of your thought-full journey describes why evangelicals need to reimagine. And many are…possibly a movement prompted by the Holy Spirit?
✔️https://reimaginenetwork.ning.com/forum/topics/reimaginefuturechurch-reformat-reboot-reset
Yeah, even when I was far more evangelical (read: TRYING to be evangelical) I was unimpressed with "Evidence that Demands a Verdict." I tried reading it once, but it struck me as a grab-bag of arguments and propositions that were all smushed together. If I'm being cynical, it seemed like more of a book for Christians to not so much actually read and be able to point to and say: "Look! There is a ton of evidence! I don't have to think any more!"
The problem -- for me, at least -- was that periodically I would find an argument or evidence that I thought was convincing and it would bring me some peace (i.e., less doubt). But then my desire for intellectual honesty would kick in and I would start doing more digging; then discover that there were tons of counter-arguments that were just as convicing (or more so). Trying to rely on intellectual reason and evidence just put me into a repeated 'boom and bust" cycle that wore me out.
Very much lived this as well
Read it in Bible college when the book was first published in 1972. You have to admit that the approach is healthier than that of our parents' "You ask me how I say he lives? He LIVES within my heart." ( Just sing it louder Mom, that makes it more true. LOL). But according to whomever wrote the Book of Hebrews, we live by faith and Bible archaeology and stuff just lends some minor support.
Deano
Sometimes I can a little jealous of a mother’s faith… :)
Nailed it! I had McDowell's books and Strobel's. I loved listening to apologists like Ravi. And I had no idea that I was doing it for myself. Most of my study was to confirm or bolster what I believed. I'd probably still be there but for my love of science and that I was no longer able to accept the cognitive dissonance that came along with that love. Scripture said one thing (or so I was told) and science said another, and both couldn't be true. Once I rejected that, all my finely honed arguments began to collapse.
I find Dale Allison is very open handed with these issues. I appreciate his honesty about the holes in the evidence and the way that the information can be fairly interpreted in a variety of ways.
Very good article! As well crafted as I think some apologetic arguments are, I think they all, ultimately, fail because one cannot reason oneself into the Kingdom. Truth is not the result of human reason…Truth is a Person. Truth is someone you either know or you don’t. You’re obviously sincere in your desire to know the Truth, and I admire that. Hats off to you for having the courage to reject Christianity in your quest for the Truth.
I’m 58 yrs old and my journey has been very similar to yours.
I went to Bible school with the intention of entering full time ministry before God rescued me.
I spent 25 years in the wilderness before I finally surrendered to the Truth. Too much to share in a comment post, but suffice to say I finally have the relationship with God that I always heard about yearned for but couldn’t find or figure out. I believe you will someday too.
Alan - as a self-proclaimed Mystic Christian I do understand what you're saying here, though we may have differences in the way we see it.
I’m sure we do have differences. There’s strength in that. One of the problems with Industrial Christianity is standardization.
Like McDonalds…billions and billions served, but with what?
Processed food, loaded with toxins?
I try to avoid using the connotation words of Christianity, Inc, but I believe a revival is bubbling, and we’ll see a return to sustainable, regenerative and organic practices. That’s my hope, at the very least
What’s this weeks question you’re wrestling with?